Bullying Advice

Even though I am no longer with Bully Police, the topic of bullying is still important to me. I decided to Leave Staci's Place up online, and I will continue to add to it. I am still considering writing a book on cyberbullying. Every now and then I still get letters about bullying and I decided from time to time I will share some of them with you here on this blog, instead of having a separate blog for that topic alone. If I pick your letter to respond to keep in mind I will always keep your identity and email address private, unless you specify otherwise.

Recently I received this letter:

I'm needing an opinion/s on something regarding emotional/psychological bullying. After years of suffering with that non-stop from age 5 to late teens and constant rejection, do you believe an adult can still suffer with/by it and it can still affect them? I still go through an awful lot of manipulation and shunning. I also still get judged by an awful lot of people especially by women, and I'm 33 years old. Do you believe if an adult gets enough of that and they recieve a lot of disrespect that it can greatly effect them also?

C

Dear C:

Absolutely. It wasn't until just about four years ago now that I realized how much it was affecting me and began to learn how to put a stop to it. And I am ten years older than you.

And it does not have to continue! I learned how to stop the cycle. The thing that helped me most was a class I took, called The QuinnTessential Experience. A similar class is taught in the US, in Rochester and in Florida, called either LifeSpring or LifeStream. One of the facilitators of this class has become a friend of mine, I helped him edit his book "Controlling Others for Love and Profit" http://www.globalkeynote.com ("If you believe that, then you better wake up. Controlling others is not the solution - It is the problem."). Don't be thrown off by the title ... it was originally going to be called "The Love-Based Leader".

None of what they teach is specifically about bullying. It's all pretty basic "personal growth" stuff. But they put it all together in such a way that I could clearly see how I needed to change, and for me it was important to deal with the legacy of bullying. Not only am I free of depression ... I hardly ever get shunned or bullied anymore. For the first time in my life I am a happy person. If I had not taken this class, I don't know if I'd have ever gotten free.

Have you seen the movie "The Secret"? There is a scene I really identified with in that movie, of a young man who was being bullied at work. I could totally identify with his feelings. I also saw my own progression in his story. It really is true, I also just changed my attitude, I started liking myself, and people started to be drawn to me. Animals too, it's very strange ... in the last while I have had animals come up and want to be with me to the complete shock of their pet people who swear they don't like strangers. I think they, even more than people, know when someone is happy and full of love, and they want to be part of that. Not everybody loves me ... but the difference is amazing. It was all about me getting over myself, it was really that simple.

At the same time, I have to admit that I have been blessed to be able to take those classes, to have the support of the facilitators, leadership and grads. That may not be possible for you, I don't know. If you can't get to one of the QuinnTessential classes, the first step is to start working on accepting yourself, in counting your blessings every day. Find people online who will encourage you to bring out your joy. You have gifts to share with the world, that's your destiny, if you will only reach for it.

Brandi

C Responds:

I appreciate your reply thank you. I do have a question in response to it though. Are you saying it's ok for peaple to literally mock, shun, etc, someone who is motionally vulnerable and/or who doesn't like themselves? In my eyes it's not ok at all. Just because a person is deeply hurting doesn't give others the right to manipulate, mock them, shun them, judge them, etc. It hasn't and doesn't matter how much I have liked myself people still do this to me. If and when I stick up for myself it makes it worse and if I lose my temper I'm judged as some kind of freak. I've tried to create an antibullying forum to help myself and others, but no one seems interested at all. I'm at my wits end actually, as most people continue to mistreat me, and it hasn't mattered how well I like or love myself, it still takes place. I thought I had gotten past a lot of what happened to me as a child, but it's still taking place. Where is the justice for emotional abuse?

Dear C:

I'm not saying it's okay. It's evil. It's wrong in every sense of the word.

The thing is, are you going to wait to be happy until everyone starts treating you as you deserve to be treated? If you do that, you will never be happy. "They" are never going to change. That's the reason for the title of Ross's book, "Controlling Others for Love and Profit" - it is really a play on words. Controlling others ("justice") is not the solution - it is the problem. Think about that for a few moments, especially if the idea makes you angry.

5 years ago I would have written what you wrote ... virtually verbatim. I had convinced myself that I was okay ... but the legacy of bullying was deep under my skin, and I truly hated myself. This was brought home to me just after my first class with Ross. I thought I had "it" all fixed ... for me, one big problem was that I hate the way I look. I still do, in all honesty. I don't think I have completely healed that wound. When someone looks at me funny I assume they are judging my appearance, even when they are not. Days after the first class, I was getting on the bus, literally thinking about how happy I was and how far I'd come ... and this guy gave me a really rotten look. He was a total stranger, literally no one to me ... but at that moment, everything crashed in on me. I heard "fatty" and "cow" in my head. I must have shrunk six inches. I just knew he was thinking "What a fat cow" ... and just as he passed me ... he passed wind!

He wasn't thinking about me at all! He was thinking "I gotta fart really bad, let me off this bus!"

I don't think I ever laughed so hard in my life. The poor man ... God bless him. He taught me a major lesson that day. I looked back over my life and I saw how, time and time again, I assumed people disliked me, because I found myself to be so unlikable. And so many times, their reactions to me were not about me, but about something going on in them that had nothing to do with me.

See "The Secret" if you haven't already, they totally nail this in that movie. The survivors of bullying I have talked to all seem to have this going on. In the end what happens is we end up bullying ourselves in our imagination. The bullies no longer have to lift a finger, we do most of the work for them. Worse, because this cloud of self-abuse hangs over us, it acts like a magnet for abusers, it draws them to us, as a wounded zebra draws lions.

That's not our "fault". We were literally trained how to be victims! We don't know any other way to be, until someone shows us how. The first step is self-acceptance. When I truly got to that, everything changed for me, overnight. Bullies don't even start with me, for the most part. Occasionally one blunders across my path, and I truly pity them, for bullies are cowards, and they no longer have any hold over me. If I can achieve this, I believe you can too. I use a statement that Ross taught me, The Trust Formula:

I love myself and I accept myself, even when I don't understand myself

Whenever I am beating on myself, I repeat this in my head. What a huge impact it has had on my life!

There is little justice, if any, in reality. Our culture is set up to foster abuse. One big reason people abuse others is because it is the most effective way they know under the status quo to get ahead, and there is precious little consequence for it. In fact there is not only no justice ... but people like Simon Cowell and Donald Trump make a really good living from being jerks.

The reality is that it is not going to change just because it's not fair. It's up to people like you and me to find our leadership, to step forward in love, and step one is love thyself. Step two ... that is in figuring out how to react when you face people who are truly bullying you. You said:

If and when I stick up for myself it makes it worse and if I lose my temper I'm judged as some kind of freak.

Yes. And that will happen every time you lose your temper. I used to think I had to do battle with abusers because they need justice. But it never worked. They were always better and stronger at being jerks than I was at being an avenger (laugh). Scott Adams (the genius behind Dilbert) once said (paraphrasing), "You can argue all day with an idiot and all that will happen at the end of the day is you will be exhausted, and he will still be an idiot". Boy did I ever prove that to myself, over and over again!

I can already hear the next question ... "So you mean I should just take it?"

No. "Taking it" doesn't work either. In fact that only makes you feel more like a victim. There is a third path. What I do, first and foremost, is take a deep breath (because yes, it still hurts to face abuse, and it is not fair). Then I remind myself about the "farting guy". Whatever going on is about something that is wrong with them, most of the time it is not about me. If I can, I show them love. If not, I at least try to show them respect. I walk away if I can. And if I absolutely must speak up, I do so with my truth while having as much empathy for them as I can.

When I achieved this for the first time, encountered a bully who took out his own personal frustrations on me, calling me every horrible name you can imagine. But when I got home, I realized how pitiful he had to be to think and say such things. Because I knew none of it was true. In his mind, he turned me into something evil ... and in my heart I believe that was because he believed he did not deserve a friend like me. All my childhood people had been telling me "It's about them, not about you", and I never got the truth of that until that moment. When I did, the sense of self-empowerment was beyond my ability to describe fully. I was literally high on life for days. It was a wonderful feeling.

I still get angry sometimes, but I choose not to let bullies control me anymore. Hurt and anger are what they are after, it's like food for them. We have to starve them of it. I know right now that this may seem unfair to you ... but the payoff is amazing. It is so worth working for! When I first walked away from a bully without getting hurt or angry, I felt a joy I can only describe as transcendent. I wish that for you, for all survivors.

Brandi